


Dear Tsukki,

by dboys



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 19:04:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5638375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dboys/pseuds/dboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Tsukki,<br/>The day we met was the turning point of my life. It was nothing special and I didn’t realize at first that you’d become so important to me. I was in a bad place, and you helped me.<br/>I know you’d never admit to it, because you’re so stubborn and refuse to admit that you’re a good person when frankly you’re one of the best people I have ever met, but you really did. And it’s cheesy to say this (I’m so cheesy, you shouldn’t even be surprised) but I don’t know where I’d be right now without you. You’ve helped me out in so many ways and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Tsukki,

**Author's Note:**

> Late christmas present for [Mads](http://suzuyajuuzoux.tumblr.com) <3

_Dear Tsukki,_

_The day we met was the turning point of my life. It was nothing special and I didn’t realize at first that you’d become so important to me. I was in a bad place, and you helped me._

_I know you’d never admit to it, because you’re so stubborn and refuse to admit that you’re a good person when frankly you’re one of the best people I have ever met, but you really did. And it’s cheesy to say this (I’m so cheesy, you shouldn’t even be surprised) but I don’t know where I’d be right now without you. You’ve helped me out in so many ways and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you._

-

-

_[Approximately two years, four months, and three weeks before.]_

Kei’s day had been strange, not in a bad way exactly, but not in a good way either. All he wanted to do was walk away from campus and go back to his dorm to sleep. It wasn’t that hard.

But, of course, when he wanted to do something simple it always turned into something difficult.

Why were things difficult for someone that didn’t matter?

Kei was such an irrelevant person in his own opinion, he stood off to the side and didn’t exactly care about much. He was smart but had no will to do anything that would use those skills. It was Yamaguchi who got him to go to college in the first place. It wasn’t that Kei wasn’t considering not going, he just didn’t want to put in the effort. He knew that his life would be better with a degree and a decent job but if he couldn’t be the best at it then what was the point? He didn’t want to compete with his classmates to see who can get best grades, who can become most successful, because in the end, no one would.

That’s the mindset that Kei had been living with since he found out the hard way that all his brothers efforts got him nowhere. He tried his hardest, Kei _knew_ he tried his hardest, yet he didn’t get anywhere. Then he _lied_ to Kei about it, he told him that he was coming out on top and it gave Kei hope that he’d be able to go somewhere in life because his big brother was succeeding, but that was far from the truth.

It’s terribly discouraging to find out that your idol was a phony.

Nonetheless, there he was, in college, going for the first major that had come to mind that wouldn’t be as difficult to get into.

He walked into his dorm building and rounded the first corner. It had been a stressful day so he deserved something from the vending machine he practically lived out of, right?

But, apparently that couldn’t even go according to plan for him because the moment he turned into the hall where it was, he found a full grown man with a questionable bedhead sitting right in front of it with his arm, shoulder deep, in the slot.

Kei stared at him with a raised eyebrow until the guy noticed him and stopped trying to get his arm out.

“This isn’t what it looks like.” He said with a completely straight face. Kei’s only question was, what was it that he thought it looked like in the first place?

Kei huffed out a laugh. “How pathetic.” He stated before turning and going back the way he came.

-

-

            _I still think about the first day we met. How you called me “pathetic” for getting myself caught in a vending machine. I can’t believe you didn’t try to help me. I mean, I can, but one can dream. Actually, now I find it kinda hilarious, it’s such a great story to tell. “How’d you meet your boyfriend?” “Oh, I got trapped in a vending machine and he called me pathetic.” Truly amazing. Tsukki, you are ruthless and I love it._

-

-

_[Approximately two years, four months, and two weeks before.]_

“How many times has this happened to you?” Kei asked as he found the mysterious bedhead stuck in the vending machine once again.

“More than I’d like to admit.” He muttered.

Kei laughed and the bedhead’s face went slack and he stared until Kei realized that he was blushing and said something. “Maybe you should stop sticking your arm in here then.”

“But it doesn’t get stuck all of the time, it’s only every once in a while!”

“Well, apparently every once in a while is becoming a weekly occurrence.”

He groaned. “It’s this stupid machines fault for not working correctly.”

“But it’s your choice to stick your arm into it.”

He didn’t respond and Kei actually decided to help. They pulled and pulled and…

_pop_

His arm came out of the machine but… not without that noise that couldn’t be anything but bad.

He was writhing in pain, holding his shoulder and making hissing noises that Kei almost wanted to laugh at.

“Are you okay?!”

“ _Does it look like I’m okay?_ ”

“No--”

And that’s how they ended up in the emergency room together.

Kei learned that his name is Kuroo Tetsurou and that they live in the same dorm building. He was at the school on a scholarship for volleyball and his bedhead was his everyday hairstyle that was pretty much permanent by this point.

It was strange, that they got to know each other on the way to the hospital, Kuroo even gave him his number and Kei was tempted to contact him.

-

-

            _I also still think it’s funny that we got to know each other because you found me stuck in the vending machine again and we dislocated my shoulder and you were kind enough to take me to the hospital. And I still can’t believe that you actually called me after I gave you my number, because frankly you’re kind of a stingy person.  
            Don’t get offended by that, you know it’s true._

-

-

_[Approximately two years and one month before.]_

“Yamaguchi, have you ever liked someone?”

“What’s this all of the sudden?” Yamaguchi asked with a smile, turning away from his books to look at Kei who lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

“I think I like Kuroo.”

“This is new.”

“Yeah, that’s why I asked if you’ve ever liked anyone, I kinda need advice right now.” Kei sighed.

Yamaguchi hummed. “Well, do you think he likes you, too?”

“That’s the problem, I’m pretty sure he naturally flirts with everyone so I can’t really tell.” It was frustrating. Kei usually read people with ease and then there was Kuroo.

“I’ve seen you guys together, it’s a different kind of flirt he uses with you.”

Kei groaned. “Yamaguchi, what do I do about it?” Frankly, Kei had never dated anyone, never kissed anyone. He didn’t really care about that, but his lack of experience was really hurting him at that moment.

“Start giving him subtle hints. He’s not dumb, he’s bound to catch on at some point.”

“At some point.” Kei echoed.

-

-

            _I was such an oblivious person when it came to you. I wish I wasn’t because we would have had so much more time to be together like we are…  
            Believe it or not, I was thinking the same thing at the same time, and it’s funny because we’re like the most observant people. The first time I talked to Kenma about it he straight out said that I should just ask you out already because he could tell my behavior was just going to get worse from there. And… it did. I’m sorry, Kenma._

-

-

_[Approximately one year and eleven months before.]_

“Kuroo… I just really want us to stop fighting, I—” Kei pleaded. It was cold and they were out in the rain, Kuroo was running away and Kei just needed to finally voice his feelings.

“I’m just _sick_ of you hiding things that I deserve to know,” Kuroo’s voice cracked and Kei had never wanted to cry more. “I _need_ to know why you’re acting like this, this isn’t you…” Kuroo turned and walked towards Kei and placed his hands on his shoulders as Kei stared at the ground.

“I know…” He muttered.

“So why won’t you tell me?”

“You go first.”

“What?”

“I know you’re hiding something, too.”

They went quiet.

The only noise coming from the cars on the street and the rain soaking them.

There was so much tension and Kei had no idea what to do because Kuroo wasn’t talking and he didn’t want to say anything either.

“Kuroo--”

“Tsukki--”

They both spoke at the same time and Kei finally looked up, meeting Kuroo’s eyes.

“Tsukki,” Kuroo decided to continue. “I just… I like you, you know, in _that_ way. And I was scared to tell you because I didn’t know how you felt but it’s just eating away at me and making me angry at myself and it’s making me take it out on you and I’m just _sorry_. I’m sorry for keeping it from you, I’m sorry for everything and, Tsukki, I don’t know if you like me back--”

Kei shut him up with a kiss.

It was short and weird and obviously inexperienced but it shut Kuroo up.

When he pulled away he smiled. “We’re such idiots.”

“What--”

“I like you, too, okay?”

-

-

            _It’s so cliche that we had our first kiss in the rain, but I also love that we did because you know I’m all about the cliches. That also is a great story to tell. “How did you and your boyfriend actually get together?” “He kissed me in the rain.”  
            I love it. (I also love you.)_

-

-

_[Approximately one year, ten months, and one week before]_

“He asked me to sleep over at his place.” Kei said as he entered his room and threw himself on his bed.

Yamaguchi put down the book he had been reading. “I mean, that’s not exactly strange, it’s kinda what couples do.”

“I know… I’m just nervous I guess? Because what if he wants to, you know, _do it._ I don’t really want to and I’m not sure if I ever will and I don’t want him to break up with me because of it.”

Yamaguchi frowned. “If he would break up with you because you didn’t want to have sex then he’s obviously not the right guy for you.” He deadpanned. “Besides, Kuroo doesn’t exactly strike me as the kind of person to do that, you know? Like, he can be an asshole sometimes but that’s just for laughs, it’s not the kind that is forcing you into something you don’t want to do. I think he’d understand and you guys could just cuddle or something. I know you’re all about that.”

Kei bit his lip. He knew Yamaguchi was right but he still couldn’t get the thought out of his head that Kuroo would hate him.

He ended up going over soon after and told Kuroo what he was thinking.

He busted out laughing saying he would never hate Kei over something like that and they cuddled the majority of the night and even kissed a little.

-

-

            _Remember the first time you ever slept over? You looked so nervous, I felt so bad. And then you told me that it was because you thought I was going to hate you if you didn’t want to have sex with me. Which is ironic since that’s not what I was planning on doing anyways.  
            It still makes me really sad that you would think that of me though. But I understand in a way. Honestly, what gets me the most is that you were almost crying. And you don’t cry often. And then you did cry of joy when I said I wasn’t going to try and force you into anything, but that was also the day I learned that you were pretty even if you were crying._

-

-

_[Approximately one year, five months before]_

“So… my brother is getting married.” Kei said one day as he lay on Kuroo’s lap while they watch television.

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

“So, what about it?”

Kei took a deep breath. It wasn’t that he was necessarily scared of asking Kuroo to come along, more he was nervous about how his family would react to this boyfriend of his who looked like he’s killed a man and they didn’t even know he’s gay. “Well, Yamaguchi apparently said something about me having a “special friend” so my brother told me I could bring a plus one.”

“So you’re asking me to be your plus one?” Kei looked up to see Kuroo grinning from ear to ear.

“I guess?”

“Tsukki, I am honored.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kei muttered. “Just… don’t do anything stupid because this is also me coming out to my family.”

“Roger that.”

-

-

            _I think that one of my favorite moments was when you invited me to Akiteru’s wedding as your plus one. How we walked in together holding hands and when Akiteru saw me he was just so happy and you looked so relieved that I thought you were going to cry. I love how much your family accepted me as one of their own.  
            Akiteru’s service was beautiful and his wife-to-be was gorgeous and you looked really happy standing up there as best man, and it got me wondering if we could have a wedding like this someday._

-

-

_[Approximately one year before]_

“Kuroo…?” Kei dropped his things and ran to a barely conscious Kuroo lying on the floor. “Kuroo, what happened, are you okay?” Of course he wasn’t okay, but Kei was so frantic that he was surprised he could even make coherent sentences. He was bruised and battered and could barely open one of his eyes.

Kuroo tried to smile but winced in pain. “Guess getting into a fist fight about how homosexuality isn’t wrong wasn’t the best idea.” And then he went unconscious and Kei tried to pick up his body but then he felt liquid and pulled his hand away and saw blood and he almost fainted as well, luckily though, he didn’t and Kei was able to call an ambulance.

Kuroo wasn’t in the hospital for long, they said that he was pretty bruised and would be hurting for a while but that he’d be okay.

They walked outside the hospital in silence and when they got to Kuroo’s car (that Kei technically wasn’t supposed to be driving because he never got his license.) he spoke up. “Why’d you get into a fight like that? Was it worth it? I was so worried, Kuroo, I--”

Kuroo tried to smile but it looked pitiful. “It probably wasn’t worth it, but it’ll make for a good story one day.”

Kei frowned and punched Kuroo in the arm where he wasn’t hurt. “I thought you were going to _die_. Please never do that again…” They were silent for a bit before Kei continued. “Please… I don’t want to lose you… I don’t want you to leave me.” He whispered.

“Kei…” Kuroo said quietly. “Kei, I would never…”

-

-

            _I said that I would never leave you, so here I am, still here, just waiting on you to do the same._

-

-

_[Approximately six months before]_

“You should get your license.” Kuroo said as he drove Kei and himself to the nearest fast food place.

“Why would I do that when I have you to take me places?” Kei hummed.

“I mean, it’s not that bad. I know you can drive.”

Kei remembered when he drove Kuroo back from the hospital.

“I could teach you.”

Kei sighed and anxiously played with his fingers. “I don’t want to.”

There was silence as Kuroo thought. Kei could practically see the cogs moving in his mind. “I won’t force you just… give it some thought, okay?”

“Okay.”

-

-

            _I’m so angry._

-

-

_[Approximately two months before]_

“So, Kuroo asked me to move in with him.”

Yamaguchi didn’t even put his book down this time. “I’m not even surprised.”

Kei snorted. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You practically live there already.”

“I never said I said yes…” Kei mumbled.

“Well, did you say yes?”

“Yes…”

Yamaguchi finally set down his book, grinning at Kei. He started laughing. “I love you so much, I’m really happy that you found Kuroo.”

Kei didn’t respond but Yamaguchi knew what his reply was.

-

-

            _All of your stuff is just sitting in my apartment now, gathering dust and I can barely get myself to look at it. Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to you? I’m so conflicted right now. Kinda want to punch a wall, kinda want to cry forever, kinda want to do both at the same time.  
            Pretty pathetic if you asked me._

-

-

_[One week before]_

“Tetsurou.”

Kuroo dropped whatever he was doing and stared at Kei, mouth hanging open, eyes wide.

Kei laughed. “Tetsurou.”

A blush spread across Kuroo’s face and it made Kei laugh even harder. “I never thought I’d be so happy to have my name be said.” Kuroo muttered.

“What was that?”

“Nothing… Kei…”

-

-

            _We had known each other’s given names but… didn’t start using them casually until recently and I’m just so… I wish we could have started that a little sooner.  
            It would have been nice to be able to call you Kei to your face for longer than a week._

-

-

_[The day of]_

Kei’s phone started ringing. It was odd considering that it was almost 11:00pm and Kuroo was out working on a group project.

He frowned when he saw it was Kuroo’s number. “Hello?”

“Kei…”

“Tetsurou,” No answer. “Tetsurou, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, I…” He took a shaky breath. “I’m outside and it’s dark and I did something bad, Kei, I did something really bad.”

“What did you do?” Kei’s heart was beating so hard and fast that he thought it was about to jump out of his chest.

“I fucked up…”

“Define “fucked up,” Tetsurou, I need more details.” Kei could barely breathe.

“Really, really bad.” He muttered.

“Tetsurou, please--” The line went dead and Kei was panicking.

The room was spinning, black splotches were covering his eyesight, he felt numb, as he dashed to the door, grabbing Tetsurou’s car keys on the way. He had no idea where he could have been. He knew who he went to go work with, but considering the noise from the phone he was somewhere outside.

It was raining and it was so dark and he could barely see but Kei wasn’t going to stop until he found Tetsurou.

It had only been about four minutes but four minutes felt like four hours and Kei wasn’t feeling any better, the rain had gotten harder and the windshield wipers weren’t doing their job and he just _really needed to find Tetsurou._

He had no idea how fast he was going, no idea where he was going but he was turning turn after turn through the city, he tried calling and Tetsurou wouldn’t pick up so that only made him drive faster and--

There he was.

Limping down the street, alone. Maybe it wasn’t even him, Kei didn’t know, but he could make out the strange hair and who has that kind of hair but Tetsurou? So he sped up and up and didn’t even care as he passed through the intersection on a red light and--

-

-

_Kei, I miss you so much…  
            I can’t even think what to write anymore I’m just so fucking angry and it was all my fucking fault I can’t apologize to you because you’re gone but I still love you so fucking much and this isn’t even what this letter was supposed to be and I just love you so much, Kei… why’d you have to come after me? You didn't even let me teach you how to drive. I just want to go back to the day that I got stuck in the vending machine and you called me pathetic. _

-

-

[ _Present day, one week after]_

Tetsurou folds the piece of paper and closes his eyes. Silence fills the room full of people and Tetsurou felt alone.

“I started writing this after Kei told me not to leave him.” Tetsurou says, conjuring up the will to keep his voice steady. “It wasn’t even meant to be a letter, it was actually the speech I was going to use to propose to him and I even…” He swallows. “I even bought the ring and,” Tetsurou wipes his eyes. “No doubt that he would have said yes and… I can't believe I’m engaged to a dead man.” Finally Tetsurou just breaks down. He chokes out a quiet “thank you” before walking away from the front of the crowd, back to his seat next to Yamaguchi.

“That was… really nice, Kuroo. He was really lucky to have found someone like you.”

Tetsurou wants to respond with words but he just… can’t.

As the service concludes, Tetsurou makes his way to the casket and sets the ring inside, whispering a quiet, “I love you, Kei.” to his face for the last time.

-

-

 _I’ve never been good at finishing things and you know that. But even more now because I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that you're gone and… you’ll never see this so I mean what’s the point? I guess I’m just doing this for my own sanity. I love you, Tsukishima Kei, and even if it was only for a little while, I’m glad I got to have you in my life._  
            _Love,_  
 _Tetsurou_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and mostly @ Mads, i hope you enjoyed
> 
> i promise i don't hate any of them


End file.
